First off, I know everyone always bitches about the Office Assistant in Word, but how the blazes do you turn him off? He’s always there making lame suggestions, then I click on help and it says “show office assistant”. He is already showing. I have to Show him, then Hide him again to make him piss off. How do I set it so he never shows up in the first place?

Second off, I have to face facts. I just don’t think that I’m going to become a regular and timely blog updater. I began this blog to improve my writing. Many people also use their blogs for catharsis, but I guess I really don’t have that much poison to let out. So I guess it’s just the writing thing. I have degrees in English and Linguistics, so theoretically I should already be able to string a sentence together...I guess the work needs to happen in more narrative areas. So here goes.

I have decided that I probably shouldn’t have bought a flask. It’s not good to have liquor with you all the time, and the leap from medium-functioning to high-functioning alcoholism would seem to me to have much to do with the ubiquity of alcohol. So why did I buy the flask?

Why do I do anything?

1) To impress a girl I like

2) Because it’s funny.

2) is the catchall, but 1) and 2) are frequently the same thing.

Over the weekend I went out with this cool girl I met online. She has a PhD in Film Studies (that’s right, she’s an actual Dr. Movie), and has more Homest@r Runner t-shirts than I do. Anyway, I wanted to impress and amuse her, and we had a plan to go see the new Harry P0tter. I remembered from the book that one of the characters was always a-sippin’ from a flask, so I thought it would be awesome to be sitting in the movie and whip out my flask when Mad-Eye Moody did. The girl liked it and liked me more as a result, but now I have this flask and the temptation to always have it with me.

I was drinking rye last night, because I had bought it to go in the flask. Now I remember why I don’t drink rye. I don’t have a hangover, and I like the taste of the stuff, but it is a brutal memory eraser. Normally I just sip it, but last night someone else was pouring the drinks. I don’t remember my trip home, and I woke up this morning to find a pack of unopened cigarettes by my computer. I don’t smoke. Never have. What the hell was Drunk Matty thinking? Probably the same thing he was thinking when he bought the porno mag the cigarettes were sitting on. Rye, smokes, and porn. Maybe Drunk Matty wants to be a P.I.? Good thing I couldn't get my hands on a fedora and cheap heater.

I can see myself thinking that buying that shit would be funny...stumbling into a convenience store, uncharacteristically drunk, buying things I don’t normally buy... sadly I don’t remember my reasons (or being in the convenience store, for that matter), but it’s probably something to do with It Was Funny At The Time. I’m sure I’ll hear about it from someone eventually.

A different girl contacted me via Friendster about a month ago because she’s moving out here from Calgary and wanted to make a new friend. She’s pretty cool...she’ll make a fine friend, I think, and will be someone else for me to go see live shows with. Yesterday she emailed me and said she’d be in Vancouver for a wedding in two weeks. Her 18-year-old stepsister, who she’s only met a couple of times, is the blushing bride. Or she might be blushing...it’s tough to tell under all the nasty Goth makeup. Yes, stepsis is fresh out of high school, has never left home, and is marrying this sketchy-ass 20-year-old guy she met on the Internet. My Calgarian friend is dreading the antics of her white-trashy family at this wedding. I could only see the dual possibilities of intense comedic potential and complete disaster. But perhaps they are the same thing.

Either way, I managed to convince her that I should be her date. Again, for both reasons 1) and 2) why I ever do anything, but this time mostly 2).

So...18-year-old Goth chick marrying 20-year-old white trash dude. Their guests should be...eclectic. Wedding in the 'burbs, family (I am told) prone to tearful outbursts, violent arguments, and alcoholism. I’ll be with a girl I will have only met in person the day of the wedding. I love it. It will be hilarious. My attendance will be a work of performance art. I am getting my suit cleaned today, and boy do I clean up nice.

This is the exchange that will make the whole thing worth it to me:

Random Relative: “So, Matty, how do you know our Laurie?”

Me: “I don’t know Laurie. We met for the first time about an hour ago.”

*blank stare*

Random Relative: “Oh, you’re such a kidder. Can I get you a drink?”

Me: “I’m not kidding, but I’ll take that drink.”

I just hope it’s not rye or I won’t remember anything.