It’s eleven at night on a Sunday. I have entertained some friends of whom I am fond. A large percentage of tonight’s meal came from my garden, which is really a cool thing.

So who am I? I guess this is the subject of most every first blog entry.

Perhaps instead I will describe the kind of thing which happens to me all the time, which would drive a less sane (or perhaps saner) man over the brink.

Below is the story of my unwired weekend, which is now an unwired week...and just keeps going.

Wednesday, July 27:

I decided to finally get a cell phone, and went with Fido, a reputedly reliable company, because they let you transfer landline numbers to their phones.

I call Fido; they tell me all is funky with the number transfer. I ask them "should I disconnect my landline" and they say yes. They tell me my phone will be sent to me and I will have it before the weekend.

I call Telus, the evil telecommunications monopole, to disconnect my landline, and tell them the phone is in my name, but the DSL is in my roommate's name and is that a problem. They say no, and tell me my phone will be disconnected August 2.

Friday, July 29:

My Fido phone does not arrive.

Saturday morning, July 30:

I wake to find that both landline and internet have been disconnected, three days earlier than requested. I spend a couple of hours on my neighbour's phone trying to figure out what happened. Telus tells me that they have a disconnection notice for phone AND Internet. I ask them if they have any record of me having Internet or my roommate having a phone, and they say no, but when one goes, so does the other (after me taking great pains to ensure that this is not the case). They then tell me they can't hook the Internet back up until this Friday, and that I would be charged a reconnection fee. I tell them to go fuck themselves and call Shaw (cable internet provider).

I then call Fido to find out where my phone is. They have no record of my landline number, tell me that it hasn't been transferred, and that my new cell number is one I'd never even heard of. They can't help me because the appropriate department is in Ontario and is now closed.

Sunday, July 31:

I get in touch with the right person, and they say that because my landline is now disconnected (remember Telus did it three days early), they weren't able to transfer my landline number to the cell. I now have to have my Telus landline reconnected with my original number, and swallow the reconnection fee. And of course, they're not open until Tuesday (Monday is a statutory holiday in BC).

Tuesday, August 2:

I call Telus and mercifully get someone helpful. I have to go through all the credit checks and other rigmarole, as if I'd never had a number with them before. The number will be reconnected "within 5 business days".

My Fido phone arrives, and Fido says that they will give me a temporary number until the whole Telus nuisance is sorted. For the moment I have some retarded 778 number (assuming the phone is delivered today). Hopefully, my desired landline number (printed on business cards and other advertising and that's why I wanted to keep it) won't be lost to the ether, and will once again be active before the end of the week. For the moment, I don't even have a phone to call and bitch at them on.

One upside: Shaw cable was very helpful and sympathetic, and hooked up my Internet within two days.

So today, Friday, on business day #4, I come home after work, putter around in the kitchen a bit, then my phone rings. I figure "ah, they must have hooked up my old number." It is someone asking for James.

My name is not James.

Then I think "how interesting that the first call on my line is a wrong number."

So I call my old number, just to see what happens. It is still disconnected. So I call my cell, to see what number I am calling myself from.

Predictably, it's not my old number. They've hooked up some other number to my line.

I call Telus repair, and of course, I need to talk to their sales office, which is closed. The repair guy tells me "oh, you seem to have fallen off the map." This helps me greatly. Thanks so much, assmunch.

Now I have a functional cell, AND a functional landline, neither of which is ringing with the number I want, and both of which I am paying for.

Tomorrow morning, August 8, I have a solemn promise from a Telus employee that he will call me first thing to get my landline number reconnected to my line, so that I can call the cell phone company to have the number switched, at which point I can get my landline disconnected again.

The purpose in relating this story addresses a question I will seek to answer in the reflection and introspection endemic to a blog diary:

Exactly how annoying does something have to become before it's funny?

I guess that’s where I’ll start, because I’m tired, and kind of soused. We’ll see if this diary thing is better than sniffin’ glue.

P.S. I'm Canadian, so dis my spelling and I'll throw a maple syrup-coated beaver at you.